Saturday, 29 March 2014

Balance.

I feel like I’ve missed out on the whirlwind that is teenage hood. I’ve missed out on the sneaking out, the late night drives, the drinking and the fun. I’m almost an adult and I’ve missed my chance.
I’ve missed my chance to see candy floss sunsets from a mates car, I’ve missed the chance to sing and dance and yell at the top of a building, dancing in the rain, building forts, running through a storm, I’ve missed my chance to kiss and hug and I’ve missed the chance to live and love and regret. 
I just feel like some thing is missing; like I’ve missed out on the whimsical tale that is supposed to be told throughout your high school career. It’s come and gone and I have very few memories of being a teenager, and to me that’s very very sad.

I didn’t get on the roller coaster to fun, instead I was too serious about everything to even remotely think about the memories that could have been made. We’ve moved a lot, I’ve made friends, some hang around, some don’t and a lot of people in general don’t like me and maybe that scared me from being myself and letting go; but who really knows what my reasons for never having fun were. 
It upsets me to say that I was almost afraid to have fun and let go. Worried what my peers and parents would think, worried I’d do something stupid or say the wrong thing, anxious over silly, minuscule problems that I spent nights laying in bed musing over. 

Instead of laying in the sun atop dead grass, listening to killer music, laughing with a group of pals and watching stars illuminate the sky I stayed home and fretted over grades and life and adulthood. Now adulthood is around the corner and I want to take it all back and re-do. 
Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my grades and the hard work I put in to achieve my results; I just wish I had learned some form of balance. I wish I’d met people who inspired me to live my life, in all its magic whilst still doing well at school, because school really isn’t everything. I always knew that, but now it seems more relevant. I just want those teenage memories that a lot of people gush over. Stories of adventures to abandoned places, tales of adrenaline, talks of love and life and loss that I didn’t really experience. 

I wish I’d gone on a road trip with people I barely knew and come to know them, after late night drives turn into late night conversations about the deepest and darkest and lightest parts of our minds. I wish I’d gotten to know the musky smells of someones car, and I’d taken pictures from beautiful lookouts and beaches and bays. I wish I’d appreciated the beautiful serenity of the world we live in instead of focusing on work and school and the “real world”, because the real world sucks ass and as much as it’s important to do the right thing in this world, it’s important to live too.

I turn 18 in a few days: I have two more years till I am no longer considered a teenager. It’s time to start living, making memories and seeing magic happen. It’s time to let go; meet new people, experience new things, stop crying, stop thinking, stop fretting. It’s time to figure what makes me tick, what makes me get up in the morning and what makes me smile before I go to sleep. I’m not saying goodbye to the real world; all I plan to do is start making memories - finding a balance. 

Goodnight dudes, 
Tayla xx

12 comments:

  1. Soooo relatable right now Tayla!

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    1. Great minds think alike hey maddie ;)

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  2. It's important to realise that your life doesn't end at 18. There is never really a set amount of time to be young, whimsical, free and foolish, other than the span of your life. That's not say I don't have those very thoughts. I'm 18 in a month from now and I graduated last year. I've never had a drink, never had a boyfriend and never done anything mischievous either... and I feel like I've been missing out as well. But you know what? Life begins every day- I truly believe that. I think about my parents who I have made proud, the few friends I've shared laughter with... a wonderful book that I've read... And I'm happy again. I'm happy and more than excited for the future :)

    Wonderfully written blog by the way :)

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    1. I know it doesn't end at 18: that's kind of the point of this post! I've had a boyfriend and stuff, but this post wasn't really about that, it was about the lack of childish memories I seem to have and how I want to make more permanent memories! :) I'm so glad you're excited for the future: i am too!
      Thanks so much, thanks for commenting and reading! <3 xx

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  3. You couldn't have put it better Tayla! With the recent rush of Uni, I've been thinking a great deal about past memories and moments; the moments where I wish I could have acted or slowed down, tossing my analytical nature out the window (even if it was just for a minute), and smell the roses as they say. I have to admit I find some comfort from the wise words of Anonymous^. Anyways I'm sure you've got a swell life ahead of you! :) And Happy 18th birthday to you and Maddie in advance!

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    1. Ahh Paul you can always manage to sum up what I say in paragraphs into a few sentences! They are comforting; always love those anons! Thanks so much! Miss you! x

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  4. If you hadn't had the teenage years you think you regret you would not be writing such eloquent, heartfelt and reflective blogs like this one, Tayla. Your life is just beginning. Your twenties are around the corner, and with brains and probably more disposable income that the peers you wistfully compare yourself to, you are better armed for adventure! Don't look back but rather forge ahead, armed with the experience and knowledge you earned while others might have been out (getting into all sorts of strife!). You are today who your past made you - never, ever regret. Look forward and embrace the unknown! Adventures await you! Now go get a passport!!! :)

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    1. Mrs Cukovski! This is the best comment ever! I plan to go get a passport and plan an adventure for sometimes next year, how exciting! I hope all is well and bub is coming soon! Miss you xx

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  5. It was only after 18 that I started having proper freedom, although at 26 you don't necessarily realise it but you are still a child in comparison to the person you'll be when you're 18. I'm turning 19 soon and my life has changed for the better so drastically in the past 6 months alone. I wouldn't worry about taking crazy road trips or falling in love just yet. I've not even taken a road trip (although i have booked a trip to thailand in summer something i couldn't do unless i was over 18) and I'm approaching 19. There's an obsession with growing up too fast and once you are you've missed the innocent years of teenage hood!. 18 is still so young, you have so much time and i hope you get to have all the adventures you want to have xxx

    http://abigailalicex.blogspot.com

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    1. Sorry for the late reply, I've had some personal things to fret over. It's wonderful you get to go to Thailand! I hope you enjoy yourself :)
      I do have a lot of time, and I'm trying to make the most of it xx

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  6. Honestly I think that you are so lucky you didn't experience these things in high school. I spent my time going to parties, getting drunk and falling in love. I've always been the kind of person that didn't have to put much effort in to school work and could still achieve a reasonably good grade. But really I've spent the years after school repairing the damage I caused, from rebuilding friendships, to learning how to effectively manage my time for uni work (something I really struggle with). You have allowed yourself to learn some immensely important skills that are so much harder to learn later in life. And believe me you will be happy you did not kill your brain cells by drinking, I swear it is to blame for my terrible memory. Good luck with your adventures, I'm sure you'll have loads of amazing memories soon x

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    1. Sorry for the late reply, I've had some personal shenanigans to worry about. You have some very valid points here, such as the skills I have learnt. I hope you're doing alright with university, and that managing your time comes easier as you grow older. Thank you so much, good luck with yours too :) xx

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