Right now, I am scared. Of what, I’m not entirely sure. You see, for 12 years of my life I’ve been surrounded by a sometimes questionable structure. To be within that structure, occasionally unwillingly, and to suddenly have it fall away like a facade; it’s quite daunting. The structure I’m talking about is school. From grade one all the way to grade twelve I’ve been met with a framework designed to support and strengthen my growing knowledge and maturing. The funny thing is, I, like so many other people my age, questioned this structure and always ruled it as “unfair”. Now that I’ve graduated and that structure is no longer something provided for me I can’t help but notice this troublesome feeling of panic rising throughout my body. I feel as though I am a piece of paper placed in water… it’s only a matter of time before I become absorbed by the dark liquid (i.e. adulthood).
I am quite certain I am not alone in this though, which although saddening, actually makes me feel a tiny bit better about the situation. I’ve finished school but I have no clue what I want from life. It’s what I call the “Unknown State”. I know a lot of people who are so certain and sure of themselves with their future endeavours. Someone I know strives to be a teacher, whilst another yearns for the medicine world, quite a few are delving into the vast field of engineering. The perplexity I feel when someone enquires, “What sort of career do you want?” is almost palpable. What DO I want to do as a career? What sort of job would I be happy doing every day of the week? What job would I look forward to and enjoy completing? … I got zilch.
I honestly have no clue what I’d like as a career, but various adults have told me “It’s ok, you’ll figure it out eventually”, but what if I don’t? I don’t have any outstanding talents or niche’s, nor do I have an unquestionable passion for anything. I have things I enjoy doing, like sleeping and reading, but neither of those seem quite suitable for a job description… unless anyone knows of anyway I could become a professional sleeper (let me know in the comments if you do). I don’t really have any hobbies either… and that makes me quite a boring person in my own opinion. Surely there’s more people out there who feel exactly like I do. And to them I ask, “What are you doing?”
Currently I have a part-time job. I enjoy it for the most part, but it’s something I do not wish to do for the entirely that is my life. I am also about to partake in attending university. I will be doing a dual degree in Communication/Journalism and hopefully it’s something I’ll enjoy. I am desperately wishing that sometime throughout my completion of this degree I’ll have a giant epiphany and suddenly know what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Despite having this “something” that I am working towards, I am still brimming with the fear that I will not DO something great with my life. What if it’s disastrously average and when I’m like 130 and on my death bed all I can think is “Oh shit I wasted that”. I know I shouldn’t be so focused on the “what if’s” and the “buts” but it’s really not easy to just stop caring and start living. People always say, “step out of your comfort zone, you can BE that person you want, live the life you want to”, and it’s not that simple. I don’t want to be 35 and in a job I hate, and just “settling”. I don’t know about you, but I honestly don’t know all too many genuinely happy people over the age of 30.
Although I do have these fears, I cannot contain my inexplicable trepidation at the thought of starting fresh and new this year. I’m going to try my best to be at ease with my state of unknown and to maybe even conquer some of my fears. I hope a lot of people my age try and do the same.
Thanks for reading this personal post, hope everyone has and will have fantastic orientation weeks!
Love from Tayla x